So, you want to be a politician

To become a politician you need only two things:

• A constituency in which to stand
• Enough votes to be elected

To deal with the first, find a strong political party and join them. From your point of view, they must optimise your chances of making it into parliament. Don't choose a small political party, except if it's up and coming and clearly going places fast.

Now you must make your way up in your party so you're given a seat to represent. You'll hear about hard, dedicated work for years, but that's nonsense. Brown-nosing and backstabbing will work better and are the two most popular ways of getting somewhere in politics, but there's something even better—building a huge popular support. No party can resist a candidate who brings waves of votes with him. You'll leapfrog the old party stalwarts with years of dedication into a seat.

Building your following

This has nothing to do with honesty, putting people first, dedication, or any of what's commonly trumpeted. It has everything to do with playing the great unwashed. Don't concern yourself with the few of higher intelligence—they don't swing constituencies. Work the masses.

So, how do you do this? The two abilities that will serve you best are acting and speech-making. Study them. Hitler went to beer halls and delivered speeches, closely watching the reaction of the crowd to what he was saying and his mannerisms. What eventually made him untouchable was his huge public support. No party could afford to ditch him or even speak in less than glowing terms about him. He was democratically elected. He told the hoi-polloi what they wanted to hear; they were better than other people and together they would make Germany great again. You can't beat telling people what they want to hear to make them like you. Let that be a lesson to you.

Some people have a face and a voice one just likes. Ronald Reagan was such a one and most likely the most popular President America ever had. He often had a trace of a smile on his face and loved telling jokes. Hitler was threatening and promised to rain hell and damnation on everybody in Germany's way. You must know your audience and your times and adapt to them—they won't adapt to you. Mingle with the masses and find out what they think and what they want and tell them you heartily agree with them and will give them what they want. You want to be an elected politician, right?

You can't beat Count Victor Lustig as someone to learn from. Pay attention to his Ten Commandments. Politicians and confidence tricksters are both in the people business, and both must know how to sway them. You really have only one commandment, the eleventh—don't get caught.

Follow this advice and you'll soon be on easy street from where you can rake it in. You don't have to know anything about anything, except how to hoodwink people and get the masses on your side.